College? What's that?

I wrote this fantastic (okay, I think it's fantastic) essay for my UTK application. Apparently I'm ill prepared for college, though, because I didn't read the directions and the essay was way too long. In the end, I took the portion about camp to submit to UT and the rest of it is just sitting in my computer taking up 10,656 characters of space. (It was supposed to be 4,000 characters. Oops.) So, naturally, I thought I'd share it with the world. (Or at least my blog that approximately no one reads.)

Last year I ended up taking a developmental psychology and a sociology course simultaneously. I would go to one class and learn about the inner workings of my mind, then go to the next and learn about how they corresponded to society. This is when I began to wonder about people who cannot function in neurotypical society. As a college freshman, I was still unsure of what I wanted to study, but I knew what I loved. This became clear in Sociology, when my professor had us participate in a master status test. Each student took a few minutes to write down ten roles that they played in their lives. When we were finished, we shared our results and the professor told us that we had just defined ourselves in terms of our roles in society. My top three roles were Unitarian Universalist, camp counselor, and student, and I believe that these roles that I most eagerly define myself by are the most telling of my ambitions, character, and worth.

Unitarian Universalism is a religion made up of individuals. With no creed or doctrine, we work toward spiritual enlightenment by supporting one another and learning from all religions. In my church, an atheist can sit in between an agnostic and a Christian with no tension. In the Unitarian Universalist church, the specific details of what you believe matter far less than your character and deeds.
As a Unitarian Universalist, I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, without contingency or question. The sense of belonging that comes with joining a UU church is unparalleled. Before my first visit was over I was eager to return. It has now been two years since I began my spiritual journey at Westside and I am certain that there is not another place on earth where my soul could feel more nurtured or secure. Growing up in the Bible Belt, I have heard many times that I will face eternal punishment for not conforming to the predominant religion, but I know I will never hear such words within the walls of my church. My church has become my sanctuary and spiritual home, a center of gravity from which I can draw the strength to trust God and live my life fully.

One of the most rewarding parts of my spiritual journey has been the opportunity to teach Religious Education. My small class of second to fifth graders are arguably the most brilliant, compassionate children I have ever met. They do not see the color of other peoples' skin or understand the cruelties or injustices of the world. They are the kind of people who will change the world one day, and I cannot wait to see it happen. Together, my class and I have learned about many other beliefs and religions, all the while reaffirming our own. The Hindu festival Ganesha Chaturthi taught us about unfailing love, and Rosh Hashanah about forgiveness. Because our religion has no creed, we depend on the principles of good character, kindness, and righteousness to direct our actions. I think it is beautiful that my students learn these characteristics from all religions, giving them an appreciation for diversity and respect for the many cultures around them.

I have worked with Tate's Day Camp for three years, and when I tell people that I am a camp counselor, I do so with pride. In the summer, I spend eight hours a day, five days a week, living and breathing dirt, dodgeball, and drama. For the past two years I have worked exclusively with seven and eight year olds. These rising second and third graders are bright, witty, and eager to befriend and learn from their counselors. It is an intimidating thing to be charged with the task of caring for and nurturing other people's children, but at Tate's, we learn from the best.

During training week, while camp directors prepare the counselors to take on the immense task before us, they tell us to assume a confidence we do not feel. What they fail to tell us, however, is that with enough time, enough encouragement, and enough hugs and "I love yous" from our campers, that confidence will become very real, and will seep into all corners of our lives. For my first two years of employment, I believed that this confidence was the single greatest benefit that I had gained from Tate's. I had graduated from being a shy, reclusive high schooler to a confident, exuberant, and loud college student who would gladly lead a crowd in a song or in protest, no matter who was looking. The confidence I have gained from Tate's is invaluable, but the sense of purpose is somehow more important.

We are not supposed to have favorites at camp, but for the past two years the children I have bonded with and who have inspired me the most have been children who have faced cognitive challenges. Two boys in particular have touched my heart. Ben* was diagnosed with ADHD and James* with Asperger's syndrome, but I would never say that either suffered from their diagnosis. Where other counselors saw them as difficult, I saw them as absolute blessings. Every day, Ben, who was a hyper, stereotypical little boy, would walk beside me and announce, "Miss Helen, I need a ride!" and proceed to grab onto my hand until we reached our destination. Ben and I worked together to help him navigate his camp day, and despite the extra effort, he was easily one of my best campers. He needed a little extra patience, a little extra time, and a little extra love, but I desired so strongly for him to be happy and have an enriching camp experience that it was absolutely worth it.

James was another influential camper in my camp experience. He was pleasant, polite, and easily able to tell me about every episode of Tom and Jerry in explicit detail. Much like Ben, James needed a little extra. Asperger's is an Autism Spectrum Disorder that leaves patients both brilliant and hypersensitive. Asperger's patients have difficulty understanding social interactions and have senses so heightened that they live in a world of constant overstimulation. Some patients have reported being able to hear insects dying, when in fact some insects do emit high-pitched moans usually inaudible to the human ear upon death. In order to cope with the world, Asperger's patients depend on routine and structure, and can easily lose control of themselves when a routine is disturbed. As one could imagine, going from school to vacation to camp with a lot of new people and new rules can be very difficult for such a patient, so I did my best to help James transition easily. James had an assigned seat for every activity, not because he couldn't behave if he chose his own, but because he needed to know where to be and what was going on. He was in my group for about five weeks, and over that time I began to research his condition in order to find ways to help him thrive. By the end of the summer, I was not only confident that Jackson had had a productive, enriching camp experience, but I also finally knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Occupational Therapy is a profession that works to enable challenged individuals to navigate through life by performing everyday duties and tasks. Occupational Therapy is commonly recommended as part of a treatment plan for individuals with autism. Autism research is constantly getting closer to finding meaningful treatments and even a cure, but until the final piece of that puzzle is found, I know that I am supposed to be working with children affected by Autism. This understanding of my purpose is the most important thing that I have gained from my time at Tate's.

For the past fourteen years, I have been a student of the academic realm. I have moved through grade levels and passed benchmarks, taken state tests and the ACT. I walked across the stage at my high school graduation, high fived my principal and left with a diploma and no plan for my future. Fourteen years of tests and textbooks could not teach me what four years of working with children did, but I am still thankful for every minute of it.

This semester, necessity has taught me to be a student of the world. Financial limitations left me with a semester out of school to learn, live, and work. Living in my very small version of the "real world," I have realized the incredible value of a college education and a career. Right now, I have a job. It pays my bills and gives me something to do, but I do not believe that I will have a lasting passion for serving Italian food and rolling silverware. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have, but my career and my passions lie in the future. I am passionate about helping people, specifically children. I've said for a few years that if I could find a way, I would be a professional camp counselor for the rest of my life. That is a dream, and I am still hoping it will come true, but if it doesn't and I am able to spend my working years as an occupational therapist for autistic and other challenged children, that will do just as well.

The first step on my path is a degree in Psychology concentrating on human growth and development. It is well known that the University of Tennessee's Psychology program is unmatched in the state, and if I am to volunteer the rest of my life to helping others, what better place to start than the home of the Vols? I have spent my entire life in Knoxville, wearing orange every Saturday and seeing the huge buildings on campus become less and less daunting as the years went by. They are no longer intimidating, but welcoming, and I know I am ready for my time there to begin.

At nineteen, I have seen a lot, but not enough. I have seen Italy, I have seen the Pope speak from his balcony, blessing the people of the world in many foreign tongues. I have seen a five year old spend a summer learning to tie her shoes, and celebrated with her when she succeeded. I have seen a victim of a horrible hate crime rise above her circumstances and find joy in life despite obstacles. I have seen people succeed and achieve their happily ever after, and I have seen people fall from grace. I have seen things that amaze me, depress me, and inspire me. I have never seen something bad enough to break my spirit, only things that push me to keep going. Some things will never fail to inspire me, such as the love of my family, my passion for teaching, or the humanity of mankind as a whole. No matter how difficult life seems, there will always be something to remind you that life is good, people is good, and good deeds are worthwhile. I am determined to be one of the good things, one of the good people, and I wish for my good deeds to inspire others. I believe this is the definition of the Volunteer spirit, and there is no better place for me than the University of Tennessee.


*Names changed

Some words to love by

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.


A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.


Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart.


Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace!

Do not let mercy and truth leave you.
Fasten them around your neck.
Write them on the tablet of your heart.


Don’t say, “I will get even for this wrong.”
Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.

"Do not let mercy and truth leave you. Fasten them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart."

It is hard to believe that I have never been alone.

It is hard to understand that something that loves me has seen every tear and waited until now to give me hope.

But I suppose I wasn't ready for it until now.

I suppose I finally pissed God off enough that he took action.

First, he took everything from me. My motivation to go to school, to manage my life with grace. Two of my closest friends, one several months ago and another just a few days ago. My trust for my parents. The love of my life, who I took for granted and treated horribly, who my heart aches for because I fear I will never get the opportunity to set things right. My happiness has been gone for a long time, as has my faith in myself and self-esteem.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw a sad, ugly, unloved, useless person.

Today I see something forgivable. I see someone whose pride and fear has reigned supreme, who has driven away love of all kinds for fear of hurt and rejection. I see someone who is foolish to a fault, prideful to destruction, and hurt beyond understanding. I have pushed people away, judged them, and favored myself a superior being. But all of these things can be healed.

Until now, I've been too proud, too scared to truly trust God with my life.

Last night, God told me to read the Bible, and I did. He told me to read the Proverbs, and I did. Let me be clear that I am still a committed Unitarian Universalist. I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, and I believe that all religions have some truth and much wisdom to share. I believe that God wanted me to read the Bible because he knew it would bring me comfort, and it did.

I haven't read much, and I would not consider myself knowledgeable on this topic by any means. That being said, I think I understand now where my issues lie.

My troubles are rooted in pride. I have always been too strong to ask for or accept help. I pride myself on being independent, but have never realized that I simply cannot get through life alone. I have believed myself wise, intelligent, beautiful, and superior for all of my life. By these thoughts, I have distanced myself from other people, resulting in shallow relationships and an empty heart.

I can't say I am, as of this moment, done, but I am ready to cease being proud. I need not rely of material things or the praise of man to feel complete. I need other people. I need them to know my heart and I need to know theirs. I need to care and to see them as whole individuals, divinely created and inherently good.

I need to ask for help and let it come to me. I need to let fear of loss of power or respect disappear and allow myself to be vulnerable. I need to give my time, money, love, and emotions freely and without hesitation. I need to be a living example of compassion and love. My life is not for me alone.

My life is for me to live in the service and love of others, to be spent in the sunshine of compassion and joy. I will no longer let depression rule me. It is a medical issue that can be treated with medicine and healed by surrounding myself with light and giving myself wholly to good works and love.

God has blessed me immensely with this understanding. If it helps me to repair the damage I have done in my past I will be happy, but if I must let those bridges burn I will eventually be happy too, because nothing happens that is not God's will. If I trust in him I will one day be complete, and happier than I could ever imagine.