Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.
A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.
Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart.
Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace!
Do not let mercy and truth leave you.
Fasten them around your neck.
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
Don’t say, “I will get even for this wrong.”
Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
"Do not let mercy and truth leave you. Fasten them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart."
It is hard to believe that I have never been alone.
It is hard to understand that something that loves me has seen every tear and waited until now to give me hope.
But I suppose I wasn't ready for it until now.
I suppose I finally pissed God off enough that he took action.
First, he took everything from me. My motivation to go to school, to manage my life with grace. Two of my closest friends, one several months ago and another just a few days ago. My trust for my parents. The love of my life, who I took for granted and treated horribly, who my heart aches for because I fear I will never get the opportunity to set things right. My happiness has been gone for a long time, as has my faith in myself and self-esteem.
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw a sad, ugly, unloved, useless person.
Today I see something forgivable. I see someone whose pride and fear has reigned supreme, who has driven away love of all kinds for fear of hurt and rejection. I see someone who is foolish to a fault, prideful to destruction, and hurt beyond understanding. I have pushed people away, judged them, and favored myself a superior being. But all of these things can be healed.
Until now, I've been too proud, too scared to truly trust God with my life.
Last night, God told me to read the Bible, and I did. He told me to read the Proverbs, and I did. Let me be clear that I am still a committed Unitarian Universalist. I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, and I believe that all religions have some truth and much wisdom to share. I believe that God wanted me to read the Bible because he knew it would bring me comfort, and it did.
I haven't read much, and I would not consider myself knowledgeable on this topic by any means. That being said, I think I understand now where my issues lie.
My troubles are rooted in pride. I have always been too strong to ask for or accept help. I pride myself on being independent, but have never realized that I simply cannot get through life alone. I have believed myself wise, intelligent, beautiful, and superior for all of my life. By these thoughts, I have distanced myself from other people, resulting in shallow relationships and an empty heart.
I can't say I am, as of this moment, done, but I am ready to cease being proud. I need not rely of material things or the praise of man to feel complete. I need other people. I need them to know my heart and I need to know theirs. I need to care and to see them as whole individuals, divinely created and inherently good.
I need to ask for help and let it come to me. I need to let fear of loss of power or respect disappear and allow myself to be vulnerable. I need to give my time, money, love, and emotions freely and without hesitation. I need to be a living example of compassion and love. My life is not for me alone.
My life is for me to live in the service and love of others, to be spent in the sunshine of compassion and joy. I will no longer let depression rule me. It is a medical issue that can be treated with medicine and healed by surrounding myself with light and giving myself wholly to good works and love.
God has blessed me immensely with this understanding. If it helps me to repair the damage I have done in my past I will be happy, but if I must let those bridges burn I will eventually be happy too, because nothing happens that is not God's will. If I trust in him I will one day be complete, and happier than I could ever imagine.
It is hard to understand that something that loves me has seen every tear and waited until now to give me hope.
But I suppose I wasn't ready for it until now.
I suppose I finally pissed God off enough that he took action.
First, he took everything from me. My motivation to go to school, to manage my life with grace. Two of my closest friends, one several months ago and another just a few days ago. My trust for my parents. The love of my life, who I took for granted and treated horribly, who my heart aches for because I fear I will never get the opportunity to set things right. My happiness has been gone for a long time, as has my faith in myself and self-esteem.
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw a sad, ugly, unloved, useless person.
Today I see something forgivable. I see someone whose pride and fear has reigned supreme, who has driven away love of all kinds for fear of hurt and rejection. I see someone who is foolish to a fault, prideful to destruction, and hurt beyond understanding. I have pushed people away, judged them, and favored myself a superior being. But all of these things can be healed.
Until now, I've been too proud, too scared to truly trust God with my life.
Last night, God told me to read the Bible, and I did. He told me to read the Proverbs, and I did. Let me be clear that I am still a committed Unitarian Universalist. I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, and I believe that all religions have some truth and much wisdom to share. I believe that God wanted me to read the Bible because he knew it would bring me comfort, and it did.
I haven't read much, and I would not consider myself knowledgeable on this topic by any means. That being said, I think I understand now where my issues lie.
My troubles are rooted in pride. I have always been too strong to ask for or accept help. I pride myself on being independent, but have never realized that I simply cannot get through life alone. I have believed myself wise, intelligent, beautiful, and superior for all of my life. By these thoughts, I have distanced myself from other people, resulting in shallow relationships and an empty heart.
I can't say I am, as of this moment, done, but I am ready to cease being proud. I need not rely of material things or the praise of man to feel complete. I need other people. I need them to know my heart and I need to know theirs. I need to care and to see them as whole individuals, divinely created and inherently good.
I need to ask for help and let it come to me. I need to let fear of loss of power or respect disappear and allow myself to be vulnerable. I need to give my time, money, love, and emotions freely and without hesitation. I need to be a living example of compassion and love. My life is not for me alone.
My life is for me to live in the service and love of others, to be spent in the sunshine of compassion and joy. I will no longer let depression rule me. It is a medical issue that can be treated with medicine and healed by surrounding myself with light and giving myself wholly to good works and love.
God has blessed me immensely with this understanding. If it helps me to repair the damage I have done in my past I will be happy, but if I must let those bridges burn I will eventually be happy too, because nothing happens that is not God's will. If I trust in him I will one day be complete, and happier than I could ever imagine.
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